Thursday, March 22, 2012

the art of "resilience"

Definition of RESILIENT

: characterized or marked by resilience: as
a : capable of withstanding shock without permanent deformation or rupture
b : tending to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change

Okay, we will go with that.

I have been to every extreme of feeling one possibly can in the last few weeks. There were points that I thought surely were emotionally rock bottom (or at least close to it), only to find that I had a little further to fall. I've willingly thrown, no, more like FLUNG myself into the fire more than a time or 10 in the last few months. The last time being as recently as a week ago. And then I sit back and wonder why my heart is as heavy as it is. Why I feel like I can trust no one and why no one understands or appreciates who I am anymore.

It's easy to pinpoint the enemy as anyone/anything else. It's his fault, it's her's, it's this job, it's this situation, its just a phase...
I'm the common denominator for my problems.
Problem is, I'd lost touch with true perspective for so long that I no longer had a grasp on who I was becoming or how others may view me. It is the harshest of reality checks when you TRULY self reflect and see yourself through someone else's eyes.

I've held so tightly to things that are fleeting, things that have brought me nothing but heartache, drama, and hangovers.

I'm tired of acting like I don't deserve more. I know that I do. My actions may have shown otherwise, but deep down, I know that there's a greater good than this. I know I'm capable of a world more than what I've been doing. I refuse to be "wasted"...not in my time, not in my talent, and not in who I invest myself in.

Friends, boys, they all come and go...but I have to live with myself forever. And if I don't like person right now, then I'm in for one unhappy and long-winded ride. And I know it can be better than this and I never want to take these opportunities to turn it all around for granted again. The wrong choices can bring you to the right places, where I go from here is no one's call but my own.