Worthy

I truly believe that every individual hits a crossroads at a monumental point in their lives.

As unnecessary and exhaustingly inconvenient as it seems in the moment, the decision you make will determine not only the path you take but depending on the shoes you're wearing in the moment...just how sore your feet will be once you walk down that road long enough.

And maybe it's true...once you start believing you're worthy of better, you finally start getting it.

I am constantly learning with each and every step.
I'm learning about myself.  My unapologetic nature for every joke/opinion/wild story (which those are endless) & every leap I take, as predetermined or reckless as it is...but also, I'm learning more about my redundant weaknesses in matters of the heart.  And as frustrated as I am with myself, I'm slowly but surely strengthening this spirit of mine ;)

I am learning about other people and how inexplicably unfair it is for someone to hurt you so deeply when you would never dare go there yourself.  Fact of the matter is, we don't have to understand it/rationalize/justify it.  There is no talk for "closure" where an explanation is delivered along with an apology.  Moving on/letting go/forgiving has everything to do with ME, not them.  The sooner I accept this truth, the happier I will be.

The last couple months have been a whirlwind.  I've had a good friend, a young heart that was full of life completely vanish from this world over the holidays.  I've had a 2 year old live in my house, sleeping beside me every night for 2 weeks and open my eyes to "bigger picture" view, wide-eyed and optimistic, untainted by disappointment or broken hearts.  I've also made myself sick over certain individuals so unworthy of my time and energy that I kick myself in the ass for letting them hurt me just as much as curse their names. 

Then I have this record.  This record that will be such a complete release of everything that I have lived through in the last year.  I cannot even begin to tell you what will be unleashed because I'm still finding out myself.  But I'm so stupid grateful for this opportunity to share my struggles & insecurities as well as my bottomless list of things I wish for this life and what I know myself to be capable of.

I'm letting go of the baggage and walking forward into 2013 with nothing but the bare essentials...a song and a healing heart.  The road already looks brighter <3

The mustard seed.

 Matthew 17:20
He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

One of my earliest childhood memories is snuggling up to my mom and playing with her necklace that had a mustard seed charm, asking her what it was for.  

I am proud to say that I've been wearing a replica of that same mustard seed necklace everyday, without fail, for the last month.

I can't possibly put to words all of the life-altering events that have taken place over the last month...because anything I say would not do justice to what has happened and the profound effect it's had on me for every step forward from here.  A few things I can tell you....

-My mother is an incredible, beautiful, nurturing soul that will never be given enough credit.  They say "you never know what you have til it's gone"...well, the same can be said when the thought of what you have is threatened.  I am so thankful for a mother who is selfless when it comes to her children and who taught all 4 of us kids to love with a heart as big and open as anyone.  And although it's caused some of us heartbreak along the way when trusting it to the wrong people, she helped me see that it is/was never a mistake to love someone with all you have.  She has been supportive of my dreams from Day 1 and is still championing for me just as enthusiastically all these years later.  Last week's surgery/transplant was my first REAL opportunity to show the love and support back to her.  And I'm so praying-on-my-knees grateful that God let her come through it with flying colors.

-My brother could quite possibly be THE most inspiring man in my life (tying with my father, of course).  Watching him through the whole experience of this kidney transplant has been unlike anything I've ever seen...he never even flinched, never a shadow of a doubt in his mind.  We'll never be able to express our appreciation enough for what he gave for our mother and our family.  He truly is a hero...and although he knew it was a no-brainer, and all of us kids would have went up to bat and gladly given a kidney ourselves...he's the one who did.  And he too came out on the other side resilient and loyal as ever to the cause.  And for that, no man will ever succeed in my world without my brother's 110% approval ;)

-I raised $17,000 for my new record.  I still don't think that I've absorbed that fact yet.  I've been so worried/stressed/focused on my family stuff that I really never took a moment to celebrate or relish in the fact that I reached this goal...this goal that a few weeks ago, seemed completely unattainable.  I don't know how it happened but I'm so thankful that it did.  I will never be able to express my gratitude to everyone who donated and supported this project.  The words of encouragement and outpouring of love throughout the last month has been something that I've never experienced before.  I'm so happy to have this outlet to express how I feel and what I've been through in form of music and to have people so enthusiastically ready to listen and love it.  God truly has given me an opportunity and I don't plan on wasting it.  

-I lost my dog, Delaney last night.  Quite possibly one of the top 2 most terrifying experiences of my life.  Six hours in the freezing cold, yelling for my dog...sobbing and snotting all over myself, wondering how in the world my dog could be so out of reach when only left outside for 3 minutes on one of her daily "potty breaks" in the front yard...  It was a complete drain of emotions and energy...and it left me hopeless and exhausted in every sense of the word.  Luckily, the story has a happy ending.  But again, it brought some much needed perspective to my world...imagining my life without Delaney was crippling.  The thought of leaving Deliah without her sister was just as bad.  The moment I lost her, I ran upstairs and put on my mustard seed necklace and prayed every minute of those 6 hours for her safe return.  And I got it.  ;)

If this entry seems like a rollercoaster of emotion..that's because it is.  Which is always my life.  Which is why I was born to write songs...and sing the living hell out of them <3

 

-

And it's hit me.

There's too much to catch up on to tell you everything that's gone on in my world the last few months since my last blog update. Just know that it's been up, down, in the middle for no longer than a minute and a half, and there hasn't been a boring day in this life yet ;) New music, tons of traveling, people staying with me from out of town, my birthday (parts 1, 2, and 3!), new friends, new boy(s), and a puppy named Pippen!

All this hoopla of trying to raise money for my new CD, going out of town, having friends and family stay with me, taking care of this crazy puppy, starting a new job....today it hit me hard.

In less than 2 weeks, my brother donates a kidney to my mother.
I don't know about you, but that's some heavy shit to take in and absorb...

Mom is reading all sorts of books, magazine articles, online blogs, etc. about her transplant and the effects, emotionally and physically, on the recipient and donor.  She's terrified of the toll it will take on my brother and how long his recovery will be.  And this whole time we've all been like, "Mom...you don't have a choice.  We won't take No for an answer, you're having this transplant."  And then last night one of my good friends brings up the point that, as a mother...that has to be the hardest call you could make.  Knowing that your son is going to go through probably the most traumatic experience his body will ever have...all for you.

My mind is blown.

Clearly, I already knew how intense and serious this surgery is.  But I guess my mind always processed it as the surgery was a no-brainer when the alternative is losing your mother.  But to think of the turmoil my mom is probably going through, knowing that her son is at risk.  I can't even phathom this.

This has been one ridiculous ride and I sincerely pray that after next month, we can get off of it.  I got an email from my ex's mother the other day telling me how inspiring it was that my brother was giving my mom this gift, and how strong and loyal of a family we were.  And it's true...

This has brought much needed perspective and clarity on what really matters.

Faith.
Keep it with you always.

Something bigger.

This week has been one of the most peaceful and fulfilling weeks I've had in a very long time. My spirit feels rejuvenated...how long it lasts, who knows. But I'm going to take advantage of it as long as I can :)

Musically, I've been given some incredible opportunites that I can't do anything but absorb and appreciate the moment. Not to mention, I've completed 6 songs in the last week and a half and I can honestly say that I am beyond thrilled about each of them. Two of these songs in particular have busted my heart wide open, bringing me to tears (for once, the good kind of tears) during the writing process. I can't WAIT to share these gems with you soon. It's been a long time since the creativity has flowed so freely for me and I'm more than happy to ride the wave as long as it allows me to :)

I've been spending some much needed downtime/alone time in the beauty that is Kingston Springs this week too. Being with my dogs, the river, the gorgeous landscape that the parks and nature trails bestow is beyond breath-taking. To allow yourself to get lose in "something bigger" is a freedom I don't allow myself often enough. Seriously, see for yourself...

I thank you God for the peace of mind and for the clarity and confidence to move forward. I've never been more sure-footed in the direction You've pointed me in. I have no idea what's next and for the first time, I really don't care to worry about it. I'm just certain it's where I'm supposed to be. And for the first time in a long time, I feel surrounded so many that genuinely love & support me and are making me elevate myself to better. Thankful <3

Allow me to leave you with this collage from my rather blissful Thursday today :)

When you stop chasing the wrong things...

When you stop chasing the wrong things, you give the right things the chance to catch you.

Really?
It's that easy?
I'm certainly starting to believe it these days.

Lord knows I've spent farrr too much time chasing things that never wanted to be caught and setting myself up for disaster, haha. Granted, I haven't done so in at least a month now but even still...old habits die hard. And it's a constant battle with myself to not give into old routines and behaviors. I know we all struggle with that. Just some like inflicting pain on themselves more than others...?

I can be the epitome of a 'hot mess' :)

I did have an ephiphany a few weeks back though. I've been discovering what people and situations bring out the best in me and which persons won't let me grow. The last few months have definitely been an evolution of sorts. Musically, spiritually, physically...I have pushed myself outside of my comfort zone, hit some new highs, hit some pretty low lows. But all and all, made it through and can be ever more grateful for "the other side".

Musically and personally, I feel like I can be a bit misunderstood. Granted, I know that most opinions of me floating around out there are based on what I've put out into the world. However, it's a challenge that I've gladly taken on to show people that maybe they don't know everything there is to know. Musically, I haven't done HALF of what I can do and plan to show it off. Very very soon ;) Personally, I know that I've grown and I continue to do so. I'm re-drawing my lines and boundaries. I'm discovering what I truly want to accomplish in this life and what I expect from people in my life. I'm forgiving myself and others for hurts I've tolerated in the past, and vowing to never settle for those standards again. And yes, I'm finally at a place in my life where things that I thought were important and made me happy up until a few months ago no longer do. I've accepted that the person I was striving to be nothing like and the person that the world was seeing were dangerously close to being one and the same. We don't have to get into specifics but yeah...it's an eye-opener. And like I said, a challenge that I'm more than willing to take on.

I am so blessed for the opportunity to reinvent myself, so to speak. God is good and when I don't listen, He consistantly proves with the hard lessons He deals that He's watching me and cares enough to knock some sense into me. I'm sincerely thankful for that. And also, that I have parents and amazing friends that will slap the hell out of me too in case it didn't sink in the first 12 times :)

Bringing it back.

My confidence definitely got a thorough shaking this week. Don't know who I'm more disappointed in...the person for their actions, or the fact that I allow myself to continue to be hurt by them. Well actually...that's not true, I know exactly who I'm more disappointed in.

I've come a long way. I don't want to go backwards for anyone or anything. There are no more excuses as to not rising to my potential every single day. I pray every morning that the past keeps it's distance from today. Because I am not who I was a month ago, or a year ago. I only want to elevate.

"Doing your best in this moment puts you in the best place for the next moment."

Bring it on.

I also believe that anyone is as happy as they make up their mind to be. I've missed too many opportunities to let better into my life because I've been busy holding onto things that don't bring out the best in me. The past has continually clouded my present...until now.

This summer is all about change...mentally, physically, spiritually, musically. It's all about being fearless and leaping anyway. It's about believing in the unseen.

It's so unbelievably cliche, but over the last couple of months, I truly am beginning to see that everything happens for a reason. I can kick & scream and try to make something what it's not, or I can accept that it's all part of the "greater plan". God knows exactly what He's doing, even if I don't. I just have to trust.

Trust has NEVER been an easy thing for me. (Have you heard my songs? Ha) But now is the time more than ever to let it go. I'm trusting in myself and believing in myself for the first time in years. I'm trusting that God will take care of me & help me find out who is deserving of being here for me while I'm on this journey. And that He will assist me in forgiving but removing from my life those who are not.

I've been waking up to this lately... It's been a refreshing change of pace for me. Waking up before 6AM. Seeing the sun rise. Going to the park in downtown Nashville for bootcamp classes. Feeling energized and invigorated enough after my relentless workout to accomplish errands, emails, house chores, etc. and be completed by 10AM. Only to find that I have the day to make it what I want it to be. I'm taking my sweet time to sync my mind, body, and heart for the first time in years. I've been playing the guitar and writing a lot these days. Apparently, I've had a lot to say because I'm finding a lot to write about. Slowly but surely, I'm finding myself feeling the need/desire/urge to just hibernate upstairs and pick up the guitar. I haven't felt like that in a long long time. And once I sit down and start jotting down a line, it seems like more and more lines are following. There is no appointment. There is no cowriter. There is no writing room or lunch break. It's just me, saying whatever the hell comes to mind whenever the hell I feel it. It's very empowering ;) This week is CMA Fest and though I've done a couple short performances, it's nothing compared to what I've done each year for the last 5 years. I knew that it was an emotional and physical responsibility that I wasn't prepared for this year. There was too much going on in my world, too many uncertainities and things I just couldn't wrap my head around. Luckily, things are fallen into place better than I anticipated and I feel like I'm finally getting my footing back for the first time in awhile. Unfortunately, that happened a little too late to make anything really happy for this year's CMA Fest. However strange and somewhat heart-aching it is to not be participating more this year, it just completely and utterly confirms that I am COMMITTED 1000% to being back, bigger & bolder than ever in 2013! New CD, new merch, new tour...and I will be ready to conquer! I'm very excited <3