Burn the ships.

For the first time in a long time, I feel hopeful.

My life is a blank canvas right now and instead of feeling the need to clutter it up to keep it from being lonely, I am standing back and admiring it's simplicity and potential.

I can pick and choose who and what I put into this picture and I've never felt more liberated. It's a clean slate. I haven't had one of those in a very, VERY long time.

Over the last week, I've managed to ditch so much baggage (physically and emotionally) that I can't help but walk with some pep in my step these days. I threw stuff away and what didn't hit the trash can ended up selling on craigslist, burned photos and cards that held memories I no longer wanted to hold onto, cried until there couldn't possibly be anymore tears, and finally...let. it. go. Box by box, I put it all away for good.

The last week has had me feeling every emotion possible. Moving into a new house and into a new chapter is so exciting but also had me questioning everything...because however essential change is, it's also terrifying. And with this leap, I'm permanently closing the book on that portion of my life. I'm admitting it's end. But as I started to unpack in my new home over this past week, day by day, I started breathing a little deeper and feeling little lighter...feeling a little more OK. Because the more peace & possibility I started to feel in this new home, well, it just solidified that I left behind a part of my life that hurt more than it healed, that gave me a heart that could never find peace & a mind that could never stop racing. I'm finally leaving the past in the past and allowing myself, for what might be the first time ever, to be open to "the bigger plan". No looking back. For anyone.

I won't say I'm "fearless". Yet. But I will say that with moving ahead in this new direction, it's made me want to step out, well, more like jump out of my comfort zone. I quit my "day gig" (which I'd been threatening to for months) with no real 'back up plan'. I know, this sounds silly since of course, I do music. I moved here from Belleville, Michigan with the ONLY intention of music and I had done it everyday of my life for however many years. But yet...somewhere along the way, I started to lose myself and forgot what it was all about. The last year has been the toughest I've experienced and has seen me go through transitions that no words will ever do justice. But I'm slowly coming back around to what truly inspires me. What gives me goosebumps. What makes my heart happy and what truly matters. And aside from God and my family (which, that is a whole nother blog in itself), Music was my first love and the only relationship that I'm interested in diving back into. No hesitations. No excuses. God gave me this gift and I'm finally fed up with my own selfish-ness and drama enough to know that if I waste it, I'm an absolute fool and undeserving of this opportunity.

So I'm leaping. And I'm praying to God that between Him & the universe, I sprout some wings.

Everyone's been asking me the last couple of weeks, "Well, what are you going to do now? What are you going to fall back on?" And I tell people the exact same thing that I told my mother when I was 18 and told her I wasn't going to college but moving to Nashville...
"Plan B is that there is no Plan B."
I did not give myself an alternative.

I was brave and certain then and I know I can be again.

When I told some people at work this the other night, one of the guys compared my plan of attack to that of Hernado Cortez. Not that I'm a history buff but the story is interesting...He led the troops that conquered the Aztec empire in 1521. When they reached the coast to begin this battle, his troops were severely outnumbered. However, Cortez was so sure of victory that when they landed near Verecruz, he burned all of his army's ships to prevent any idea of a retreat. So outnumbered with no way of fleeing home, Cortez and his army battled and won.

I thought that was pretty inspiring. Now, I'm not conquering an empire like Cortez but I am taking back what's mine and what I've let others (including myself) diminish...my fire.

So my new motto for this new chapter?

"Burn the ships."

the art of "resilience"

Definition of RESILIENT

: characterized or marked by resilience: as
a : capable of withstanding shock without permanent deformation or rupture
b : tending to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change

Okay, we will go with that.

I have been to every extreme of feeling one possibly can in the last few weeks. There were points that I thought surely were emotionally rock bottom (or at least close to it), only to find that I had a little further to fall. I've willingly thrown, no, more like FLUNG myself into the fire more than a time or 10 in the last few months. The last time being as recently as a week ago. And then I sit back and wonder why my heart is as heavy as it is. Why I feel like I can trust no one and why no one understands or appreciates who I am anymore.

It's easy to pinpoint the enemy as anyone/anything else. It's his fault, it's her's, it's this job, it's this situation, its just a phase...
Nope.
I'm the common denominator for my problems.
Problem is, I'd lost touch with true perspective for so long that I no longer had a grasp on who I was becoming or how others may view me. It is the harshest of reality checks when you TRULY self reflect and see yourself through someone else's eyes.

I've held so tightly to things that are fleeting, things that have brought me nothing but heartache, drama, and hangovers.

I'm tired of acting like I don't deserve more. I know that I do. My actions may have shown otherwise, but deep down, I know that there's a greater good than this. I know I'm capable of a world more than what I've been doing. I refuse to be "wasted"...not in my time, not in my talent, and not in who I invest myself in.

Friends, boys, they all come and go...but I have to live with myself forever. And if I don't like person right now, then I'm in for one unhappy and long-winded ride. And I know it can be better than this and I never want to take these opportunities to turn it all around for granted again. The wrong choices can bring you to the right places, where I go from here is no one's call but my own.

The universe & me.

It's a weird relationship. One in which we never master but spend our entire lives trying to find the balance.

We try and we try, we force things, we kick & scream, even feeling desperate at times. We are soaring and hopeful one day and the next day you find yourself watching Whitney Houston's funeral on CNN for 5 hours crying and eating an entire pan of brownies (true story, obviously)...

The universe.
Me.

When we mesh, it's delightful & I'm unstoppable.
When we don't, I feel like blowing things up.

This last week has been an emotional rollercoaster. There's been no happy medium whatsoever. And it made me think to myself over the last few nights...what...the...hell...am I doing?

There's obviously a reason this is happening. The universe is obviously trying to tell me SOMETHING.

So this morning, I figured- Maybe I should get it together.
My head, my body, my heart. Maybe if we all can synchronize for a bit, the rest of the world will catch on.
I don't know the last time I completely focused on me. Being self-indulgent but in healthier ways.

As these thoughts kept entering my mind on how to start this process...somebody, somewhere heard me.
One great meeting, one quick/painless & great paying demo session, and a royalty check in the mail later it became evident that my luck had shifted. And I thought to myself:

Remember this day.
Remember this Monday.
God heard you and told the universe to cut you a break.

Maybe I should start thinking more proactive thoughts more often...

it takes two.

I sat on a big green couch the other day and filled a good friend of mine in on some recent stresses/dramas/fires that needed to put out...I spoke for what seemed like forever, getting myself heated over the whole thing all over again. I finished with, "I don't know why I do this to myself...what do you think?"

She simply replied, "It takes two, Rachel."

Nothing profound there. We've all heard it a million times. So I don't know why, on this particular Sunday night, it suddenly resonates. It takes two... It takes two to make any relationship work. Whether it's referring to a boy, a friend, a sister, etc it requires two parties trying to make the effort, compromising, communicating, relearning what they think they know. Relationships fall apart when one is giving far more than the other. I can certainly attest to that.

It also takes two to perpetuate drama.
True story.

I can blame whomever I want for whatever I want to, but the fact of the matter is... I still participate. I still respond. I even instigate it every now & again. And for what? I always know the outcome. No one wins. It's just an addiction...an addiction to drama.

No one can make you miserable unless you let them in close enough to allow it.

Instead of putting oneself out there and then regretting it/beating your head against that exact same wall immediately after, learn how to walk in the other direction. And quickly. It's a complete re-training of everything I know... but sweet baby Jesus, I know it'll be worth it.

No more recycling.

Me: He can't "Hey you" me!
Friend: No, he definitely can't "Hey you" you.

Why is it that guys think they can text you, completely out of the blue, and it always starts with "Hey you.." Trust me, I've been around the block, I'm experienced in the game. If you're texting me randomly after being totally okay no communication for however long, one of 3 things is happening...1) You're drunk 2) You haven't been laid in awhile 3) Your girlfriend and you just broke up.

You can't play a player, fellas.

Contradictory to what many may say/think...Boyfriends/boy toys (whatever he was) are not recyclable. Please let me testify to that fact until I have no voice to preach on.

I read a great book years ago when me and my ex were "trying to make it work" for the 29th time. The book was called...
It's Called A Break Up Because It's Broken. Brilliant, right?

Now if only it were that simple...

But the facts are the facts.
All those reasons you broke up, that you were unhappy, you wrote him a novel via text & then turned off your phone, that you slept in separate rooms because you thought you might kill him if he was within reach...9 times out of 10, those reasons still ring true this very moment. No matter what text messages he may send you, how he may plead, how you may romanticize about "the good times"...those "good times" obviously didn't keep you afloat in your relationship. Therefore, they aren't going to keep your head above water now. And let's just say, if he really loved you, he'd be stepping up and proving it. Nothing in the world is worth fighting for more than love. And TEXTING IT isn't proving jackshit. Just so we're clear.

Obviously, I'm on my soapbox for a reason...some friends that just won't listen to any advice. Particular family members who drive me crazy with their on and off again-ness. And ultimately, myself...because I too fall victim to this "let's beat a dead horse" cycle.

Another resolution for 2012.
No more recycling.

own it.

I only blog when it's late and I should be in bed reading my gossip magazine. I certainly shouldn't be online, contemplating life, and blogging about it. But then again, when have I ever done anything that I'm "supposed" to do..?

Time to start owning things. Taking responsibility for what I do and where I'm headed.
It's that age-old philosophy of "Only you can control your happiness" or something like that. It's cliche, and it sounds pretty damn generic. If you're anything like me, I need specifics...how do I control it? Where do I turn this ship? Is it going to be hard? What exactly do I have to give up? Can't I just pawn this off on someone else?

Um, wake up call Rachel.
You've been pawning it off on everyone else.
And look where it's gotten you...

Dun Dun Dun

January has been a confusing month in some ways (love/relationships...things I'll probably never get right even if God himself delivers Mr. Right to my door), however, there's also a lot to be excited for. I'm excited to get into the studio and finish up my EP. I'm excited for the photo shoot. I'm excited to assemble the new band and completely gut/renovate/re-work my show in every way. I'm excited for all the meetings and advice/suggestions being thrown my way. I'm absorbing it like a sponge. I'm excited for all the co-writes coming up in the next couple weeks with people I highly respect and much to my stupidity, haven't written with in far too long. I'm excited to make music "full time" again, and this time, fully commit.

Own it.

Own my dreams, my goals...and don't make bullshit excuses as to why it's not happening. Own my plans, my motivation and follow through. Own my feelings and don't let them drive me crazy. Own my opinions and expectations and don't settle for anything less, don't back down if it's worth the fight. Own my mistakes...acknowledge when I'm stupid, learn what I need to learn, and try hard as hell not to repeat these moments of utter stupidity again.

Smell what I'm stepping in? Good ;)

Insanity at it's finest.

Here's the thing.
I apparently don't know how to "stay on my best behavior". I can barely comprehend what that statement even means. Should I interpret as I should be running as far as humanly possible away from the drama? Because if so, I seem to run straight into the fire each and every time. Without fail. Don't know what attracts me to the flame, but it's there. And it's irritating. Especially in this last week.

I should know better, but evidently, I still don't.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not out there Lindsay Lohan-ing it up by any means or anything like that. It's just certain situations, certain conversations, certain individuals that will remind me every now and then how far I haven't quite come yet. And unfortunately, several of these conversations/individuals have decided to pop up within my first week of 2012.

So ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the confessions of an attention-whore. This addiction will get you each and every time and it's rarely ever worth it. There are so many more important things in this world than making sure you always have something to do, somewhere to go, someone constantly entertaining you, boys chasing you 24/7.

Now, what all those other "things" are, I have yet to know...but I'm committing myself to the task of finding out.