Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Burn the ships.

For the first time in a long time, I feel hopeful.

My life is a blank canvas right now and instead of feeling the need to clutter it up to keep it from being lonely, I am standing back and admiring it's simplicity and potential.

I can pick and choose who and what I put into this picture and I've never felt more liberated. It's a clean slate. I haven't had one of those in a very, VERY long time.
Over the last week, I've managed to ditch so much baggage (physically and emotionally) that I can't help but walk with some pep in my step these days. I threw stuff away and what didn't hit the trash can ended up selling on craigslist, burned photos and cards that held memories I no longer wanted to hold onto, cried until there couldn't possibly be anymore tears, and finally...let. it. go. Box by box, I put it all away for good.

The last week has had me feeling every emotion possible. Moving into a new house and into a new chapter is so exciting but also had me questioning everything...because however essential change is, it's also terrifying. And with this leap, I'm permanently closing the book on that portion of my life. I'm admitting it's end. But as I started to unpack in my new home over this past week, day by day, I started breathing a little deeper and feeling little lighter...feeling a little more OK. Because the more peace & possibility I started to feel in this new home, well, it just solidified that I left behind a part of my life that hurt more than it healed, that gave me a heart that could never find peace & a mind that could never stop racing. I'm finally leaving the past in the past and allowing myself, for what might be the first time ever, to be open to "the bigger plan". No looking back. For anyone.

I won't say I'm "fearless". Yet. But I will say that with moving ahead in this new direction, it's made me want to step out, well, more like jump out of my comfort zone. I quit my "day gig" (which I'd been threatening to for months) with no real 'back up plan'. I know, this sounds silly since of course, I do music. I moved here from Belleville, Michigan with the ONLY intention of music and I had done it everyday of my life for however many years. But yet...somewhere along the way, I started to lose myself and forgot what it was all about. The last year has been the toughest I've experienced and has seen me go through transitions that no words will ever do justice. But I'm slowly coming back around to what truly inspires me. What gives me goosebumps. What makes my heart happy and what truly matters. And aside from God and my family (which, that is a whole nother blog in itself), Music was my first love and the only relationship that I'm interested in diving back into. No hesitations. No excuses. God gave me this gift and I'm finally fed up with my own selfish-ness and drama enough to know that if I waste it, I'm an absolute fool and undeserving of this opportunity.

So I'm leaping. And I'm praying to God that between Him & the universe, I sprout some wings.

Everyone's been asking me the last couple of weeks, "Well, what are you going to do now? What are you going to fall back on?" And I tell people the exact same thing that I told my mother when I was 18 and told her I wasn't going to college but moving to Nashville...
"Plan B is that there is no Plan B."
I did not give myself an alternative.

I was brave and certain then and I know I can be again.

When I told some people at work this the other night, one of the guys compared my plan of attack to that of Hernado Cortez. Not that I'm a history buff but the story is interesting...He led the troops that conquered the Aztec empire in 1521. When they reached the coast to begin this battle, his troops were severely outnumbered. However, Cortez was so sure of victory that when they landed near Verecruz, he burned all of his army's ships to prevent any idea of a retreat. So outnumbered with no way of fleeing home, Cortez and his army battled and won.

I thought that was pretty inspiring. Now, I'm not conquering an empire like Cortez but I am taking back what's mine and what I've let others (including myself) fire.

So my new motto for this new chapter?

"Burn the ships."